Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

what the

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.