Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.