I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
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[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
😂🍻
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
New mindset, who dis?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
