“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Who called it baking and not making love
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
mariah carrie
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
