Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

This makes total sense…

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

God, I love Scotland

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Not my job 😂

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?