“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Yeah. This was me today.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Weirdly Wednesday.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.