“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
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Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Social Media and Real life
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
They did not miss in the small print
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?