Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true