Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

my fav colour is also hitler

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

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[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.