Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

Go girl power!

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?