Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

all that yoga finally paid off

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Me My dog

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough