I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
You Might Also Like
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.