I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
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It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Time heals everything 🙂
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Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.