Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?