Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

I ate everything, including the H.

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

The chart results are in…

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”