I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
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My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
what day is it?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man