I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler鈥檚 food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I鈥檓 not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I鈥檓 probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
ME: I鈥檓 gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
hey girl, let鈥檚 crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Me: I鈥檒l take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
He wanted to make sure馃槀
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You鈥檙e doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
She鈥檚 a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”