Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*