Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR