I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
This bar smells like my childhood.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Oops I deleted….
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.