Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

ㅤ

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

oh shit

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

Monday?
No. Next question.

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.