Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

Two types of dogs.