I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
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Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.