I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
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CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday