Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

money maker

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.