Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.