Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired