Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

New favorite tiktok

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!