Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.