I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
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One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
