I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
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Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Hello Twits.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.