Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im 7 sauces long

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.