I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
You Might Also Like
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
🔥🔥
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Cashiers are always checking me out
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.