I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
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MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts