Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

look scared

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?