I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
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If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Duck typos.
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
trivia
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
