I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
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Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.