“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
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Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
What a website
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use