Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward