I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
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They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?