Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.