Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later