Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

The absolute effort that went into this omg

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

the dark web is just a goth google.

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

No one :

Me when I swimming :

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor