I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
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OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.