I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
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what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p