I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
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My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Basically.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Like sleeping!
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.