I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there