I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
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As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers