I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
You Might Also Like
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
watergate? u mean a dam??
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price