Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal