I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
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If a snake ate a cake
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.