Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

This is I, Robot all over again

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo