I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
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I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My plans: 2020:
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
Go gym
