Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

Going into Monday like

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

But is it really??

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!