Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.