I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
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Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic