I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
🤣could you imagine
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I only treason on days ending in y
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.