I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.