I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
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LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I enjoy a good short stor
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?