I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
You Might Also Like
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.