I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
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“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward