I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
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If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
constantly working on myself.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
What’s a Messi?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.