Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

23. the denim jacket

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

*seductively eats two tums*

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

My dog ate my work from home.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?