Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schrödinger’s cookie

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.