Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.