Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

I came this close!!!!

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”