I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
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I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Gemma Correll
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.