Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”