Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

Smile Twitter, Smile.

So, can we agree on 4 or

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.