I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.


It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I’d rather people think of me as successfully challenged.


You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.


Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.


Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.


Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]


14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.


It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.


Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?