@Froschauer_AF

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

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@KentWGraham

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

@Freudstombstone

It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I’d rather people think of me as successfully challenged.

@HatfieldAnne

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

@3sunzzz

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

@butterwolf

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

@EndhooS

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

@AshleyAlready

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

@DearAuntAbby

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

@NJPsychDoc

Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?