I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
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[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Not all heroes wear capes…
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer