I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
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*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
sure, why not
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.