Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

o shit

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.