Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

welp

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.