I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
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Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son