Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

me after drinking all the wine:

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

#catsoftwitter

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound