Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

Classic German Shepherd 😂

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

Genius.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)