I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
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If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?