I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
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Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street