I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Good news
