I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
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Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms