I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
You Might Also Like
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.