I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
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“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
same bro
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today