Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes