I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My blood type is b hungry.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?