I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
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“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes